A Unique Mission
by FromHellWithLove
Summary: ONE-SHOT not to be taken seriously. Capatin Picard is sent by starfleet on a very unique mission will he come out unharmed and with his dignity intact? please review


_Girl's _**boys **both if it has " " around it, it means there's only one person singing

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"This is a dangerous situation we're in" Jean-Luc Picard paced up and down his ready room Dr Beverly Crusher and Counsellor Dianna Troi stood in the corner looking serious Commander William Riker was perched on the desk looking grave

"We must have been in worst situations" Riker pointed out "we faced the Borg and came out alive"

"Yes but we're not facing the Borg number 1" Picard pointed out "though I would happily have a brief encounter with the Borg if it meant getting us out of our current situation"

"Not everyone is in danger yet" Troi said thoughtfully "Captain you and only you are in the firing line at the moment however you can take another member of the senior staff with you. Data perhaps"

"If the captains in the firing line wee all in the firing line" Riker said standing up "I agree with the councillor take Data with you he could always get you out if the situation gets much worst"

"I agree but there's one problem" Picard said gravely "our adversary might not react kindly to an android just strolling through the door"

"He has a point" Beverly nodded "these people still read from books and don't use computers having an android around may only build tension"

"And that's the last thing we want" Picard agreed "they have allowed us to beam down and use a pad as long as that is all"

"What about me? I could come with you sir" Riker offered "you did ask me to help you when it came to this area"

"Thanks for the offer Number 1 but I'll need you here if anything goes wrong" Riker opened his mouth to argue "and before you start quoting regulation to me, let me remind you this is a very unique situation and Starfleet orders"

"What about Worf?" Riker suggested

"Same problem as with Data they have had little contact outside their solar system" Beverly said "not many have seen a Klingon"

Picard walked around his desk and clicked on his computer reading his orders for the hundredth time that evening "well my orders are very clear. Number 1 take the bridge set a course to Lakwoa 8 warp 2"

"Aye sir" Riker nodded and left

"Picard to La Forge"

"La Forge here"

"La Forge what's our current engine status?"

"She's running like a dream Captain ready for anything"

"Good keep her that way we may need a quick getaway Picard out"

"Captain" Troi said "don't you think we may be overreacting slightly here"

Picard shot her a glare "Dr Crusher what can you tell me about the inhabitants of Lakwoa 8"

"They are originally from Earth however the radiation from their sun has made them more musically inclined you are likely to see people dancing and singing like there's nothing wrong with it large groups of people dancing in perfect synchronisation like everything had been practiced and choreographed. There appearance if human and from what's been reported their clothing style is similar to Earths late 1950s early 1960s and their cultures similar. The males are prone to be violent when provoked and you will see gangs around the women are less violent but from reports some can be very manipulative and will go to great lengths to get what they want"

"Dr Crusher I would like you to accompany me on this mission as you are more informed in the topic I require" Picard ordered

Beverly nodded "what is the exact nature of this task Captain? All I've learned so far is we're headed to the colony on Lakwoa 8"

"They are currently classified Doctor I'll inform you later" Troi suppressed the need to roll her eyes when Worf walked in 'typical Picard' she thought

"Captain allow me to accompany you on this mission," Worf said "I have hear stories about these people the man you are replacing had a mental break down from their antics and now is the most paranoid man I have met"

"Thank you for your concern Mr Worf but I shall need you here" Picard said rejecting the idea

Worf growled "permission to challenge your orders captain"

"Denied your staying here" Picard stood up "I want you to remain alert I may need to get out of there quickly"

"Aye sir would you at least take a heavily armed escort" Worf suggested hopefully "I have my best security officers standing by"

"No, it may raise suspicion the last thing we want these people to think is that we're afraid of them"

"There is no dishonour in protecting one's self" Worf argued "and we do have evidence that a security team may be necessary"

"No! We must not appear threatening that would only raise tensions"

"Then take a phaser" Worf snapped losing his patience when the pair heard laughter coming from the corner

"Councillor? DR Crusher?" Picard frowned at their odd behaviour Data was standing next to them looking confused by their reaction

"Mr Data what did you tell them?" Picard asked

"They wondered why we had to go to Lakwoa 8 so I told them" he said innocently as the girls began to calm down

"You are right captain this is a very unique situation" Beverly said smiling

"I'm glad my personal suffering is so amusing to you" Picard said with a hint of sarcasm "need I remind you Dr Crusher you are coming with me"

"For support yes, but you'll be the one in the spot light" she said

"You shouldn't be so concerned Captain" Troi said "you command a Starship, give orders daily, there are so many here that look up to you. Teaching a bunch of late teens for a few days isn't going to kill you."

"You never know councillor" Worf said "these are no ordinary teens, they are horny adolescences" the girls left before they started laughing again.

Picard beamed down with Beverly outside the school with Beverly, first thing he saw was a blonde girl standing under a nearby tree waving at something he stepped away from the car he had nearly materialised onto of only to be nearly hit by a baby pink car speeding into the space next to him! Jumping out of the way, the blonde teen yelled at the car signalling it to stop but didn't move from her spot. She looked up and smiled at him.

"Morning," she said he could now tell she was chewing gum said "Mr..."

"Picard." He informed her, his heart still beating fast from the pink cars sudden appearance she nodded and laughed as a group of girls got out of the car

"You could've killed us, Rhonda." A pretty brunette with a pink cigarette holder in her hand

"Good move. Ronda" the blonde chewing gum said

"Imagine" a second blond with short hair said dramatically as she shut the door of the car "dying a virgin!"

"Oh, God" The first blonde rolled her eyes as they moved away

"I'm beginning to regret not taking Worf's advice for an armed guard" Jean-Luc said

Beverly smiled "oh come on Captain" he followed her towards the building as students flocked in "it won't be that bad" once they entered they were very quickly lost as the number of students dwindled as classes started. They agreed to split up to find the main office. An older tall woman passed Jean-Luc wearing smart clothes and neatly styled hair

"Nosebleed." A student told her

"Nurse, room 11." She said

"Good morning," Picard said moving to shake her hand "I'm a substitute for..." he looked at the pad Data had given him

"Good morning, Miss McGee." Another female teacher said as she came over she was younger than Miss McGee and had expensively styled hair piled onto of her head

"Good morning, Miss..." Miss McGee noticed the woman's cleavage and averted her eyes

"Mason." The woman said sounding disappointed

"Right, this is Mr..." again miss McGee faltered not knowing is name

"Mr Picard." He said shaking Miss Mason's hand "I love your hair, Miss Mason."

"Thank you, Mr Picard." She said twirling a bit around her finger

"Miss Mason will help you while you're learning the ropes." Miss McGee informed him

"My pleasure, I'm sure." Miss Mason said moving closer to Picard

"I'm sure you're sure." Miss McGee said disapprovingly

"I'm a substitute for Mr..." Picard looked again at his pad

"Spears" Miss Mason cut in

"Follow me." Miss McGee said leading him away from Miss Mason who went to her class

"I have an assistant she's somewhere in the school"

"Well don't worry Mr Picard I'm sure she'll turn up" she said as they walked Miss McGee informed Picard he would be there for 2 days until their other substitute showed up. She led him to his class room, wished him luck and left with his heart in his mouth Picard entered letting the door shut behind him

"Good morning." He said putting his books on the desk "My name is Mr Picard and I'm your substitute teacher."

To his surprise and extreme annoyance everyone got up and walked out of the class room

"Let's have a cigarette." Someone in a leather jacket said getting one out

"Yeah." Another boy agreed

Beverly came into the room as the last of the students left Picard shrugged "I'm not good with children"

"They aren't children Jean-Luc" Beverly said closing the door "they are young adults you just need to grab their attention"

"How?" Picard asked

"The same way you do on the bridge"

"Somehow I think teaching biology is different than commanding a star ship" He replied slipping into the seat behind the desk looking at the small pile of papers "I take it I'm supposed to mark these" Beverly nodded

"I'll give you a hand" the rest of the day went more smoothly no more classes walked out on him and with Beverly's help he managed to teach the set text fairly well

"I'm dreading tomorrow" Picard said as they left the school

"You only had trouble with one class"

"Yes and I'm teaching that class tomorrow afternoon"

"Well, look at it this way" Beverly said "if they all leave we could get out of here early" Picard gave her a disapproving look. "You could always embrace this place and sing them a song"

"I don't sing" Picard grunted

"It was just a suggestion" Beverly said as they arrived at the beam up point

"Picard to enterprise two to beam up"

Picard's last class filed in as he drew a picture on the black board "Reproduction" he said turning to the class "It's very simple, but yet very important. Now, what is the best time of the month for a woman to conceive? Mr..." he glanced at the pad in front of him "...Jaworski."

A brown haired boy at the back of the class looked up "What's 'conceive'?"

"You know, to be fertile." Picard said asking again "What's the best time?"

"Ask Nogerelli." He said

"Mr Nogerelli?"

The black haired leader of the group lent back accidently revealing he was reading playboy he quickly put it down "Ask Goose." He said

"Mr Goose?"

"Err Ask Dimucci."

"Mr Dimucci?"

"What?" the lanky boy said chewing gum loudly

"Conceive. What is the best time?" he asked for the third time

"At night?" Louis Dimucci said

"I can see that we're not getting very far." Picard said picking up the text book

"I got the same problem." Louis said

"Afternoon, everybody" Mrs Mason said as she entered the room

"Afternoon" Johnny Nogerelli and the other boys said suggestively raising his eye brows

"Good Afternoon, Mr Picard." She said he nodded at her

"Let's start at the beginning. Page one." He said

"Open your book." Mrs Mason prompted the students

"Where do babies come from?" Picard read

"If you need me, I'll be right over here." Mrs Mason said talking a seat to the side next to Beverly

"Do we need this for the exam?" Goose asked

"The parts of a flower are so constructed that very, very often the wind will cause pollination." Mr. Picard sang watching for any reaction the girls seemed interested the boys on the other hand were going to sleep "If not, then a bee or any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation.  
>Yes, anything that gets the pollen to the pistils, write it on the list. I'll try to make it crystal-clear: The flower's insatiable passion turns its life into a circus of debauchery!" encouraged by the boys reaction as several of them fell out of their seats he continued ignoring the boys on the back row doing pelvic thrusts<br>_"_Now you see just how the stamen gets its lusty dust onto the stigma.  
>And why this frenzied chlorophyllous orgy starts in spring is no enigma!<br>We call this quest for satisfaction a what, class?"  
><em>"<em>A photo-periodic reaction_!"_ Sorority girls on the front row said jumping out of their seats

"Oh, that's good, that's very good." Picard praised

"Hey, I'm lost where are we?" a boy from the third row shouted

"_Chapter 2_,"

"**Page 5**... "  
><em><br>_**Reproduction**_, reproduction!  
>"Put your pollen tube to work."<br>_**Reproduction**_, reproduction!  
>"Make my stamen go berserk"<br>_**Reproduction!**_  
>"I don't think they even know what a pistil is!"<br>_"I got your pistil right here..." one boy said then he chased her around_  
><em>"Where does the pollen go?" Goose sang dancing in the aisle**  
><strong>_  
><em>hurrying to gain control of the class Picard followed the girl and boy around telling them to get back to their seats "Next chapter, in an abstract way, the same thing applies to the reproductive organs of the more complex life forms. But now we are dealing with sexual response. Are there any questions before we begin reading?"

**"Is it possible the female member of some sex on a couch Could like get this guy all hot and she never even knew it?"** a boy from the second row sand while checking out Mrs Mason

"Negative" Picard said_  
><em>**"When a warm-blooded mammal in a tight little sweater Starts pullin' that stuff, is she sayin' that she wants to do it?"  
>"Can't prove it by me, cause they change their tune when you got 'em in the back seat."<br>"With his heart beatin' fast!"**

The tree girls on the front row sang** "**_They make it sound like a track meet, gross!"  
><em>**Yeah, then all they can do is say "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!" **the T-bird sangmaking fun of the girls which just started a war between them  
><em><br>Reproduction, _**reproduction!**_  
>Baby, give it to me now.<br>_**Reproduction**_, reproduction!  
><em>**Is that all you think about?**_  
><em>Reproduction!  
><span>_Come on baby show me that you really love me so!  
><em>Ohhhh, I think I'm gonna throw up!_  
>Where does the pollen go?<em>

"Mr Goose, please be seated." Picard shouted at him as Goose ran around the classroom pretending to be sperm fertilising eggs

"On this planetthe human is the only being capable of consciously controlling its number of offspring." Picard explained trying to get control back "Any comments on this?"

"Ya I was wondering," Johnny said holding a picture of an attractive naked woman "If you could tell me where she lives"

"Yeah and what is this?" Goose asked pointing to the picture

_"Mr. Picard," _Paulette sang_ "is it true that guys like you, you know, mature and all, Carry some protection with them for sexual occasions?"_

"Oh, God!" Picard said shocked knowing he had completely lost all control

__**"What's the big deal? Can't a girl just do that thing in a book where she adds up the days of her, uh, what do you call it, mentalstration?"**

"_Oh, that's really neat!" _

"_Yeah, and what will the guy say when the numbers don't add up right, huh?"  
>Yeah, yeah, yeah! <em>The girls sang__

**Reproduction,**_ reproduction!  
>"Hope he's proud of what he's done."<br>_**Reproduction,**_ reproduction!  
><em>**"He was only pokin' fun."**_  
><em>Reproduction!  
><span>**"See what happens when a boy and girl. Don't know how to play it safe?"**Louis sang holding a white rabbit in his hand__

**Reproduction**_, reproduction!  
><em>**Reproduction,**_ reproduction!  
><em>**Reproduction**_, reproduction!  
><em>Reproduction! Everyone sang in a flurry of movement as everyone ran back to their seats leaving Goose swinging from the ceiling  
><strong>"Where does the pollen go?"<strong> Goose sang falling back into his seat

Picard and Beverly shared a look as the bell went, they slipped out after the students attempting to make a quick getaway unfortunately lick was not with them as Mrs McGee was waiting for them

"Try to remember that their bodies are more developed than their minds." Mrs McGee ranted

"I understand."

"They have drives. Mr Picard Lustful drives."

"I understand." Picard said moving to open a door for her only to have two young students exit

"Hi, Mr Picard" the sweet blonde greeted

"Hi, Mr Picard" the dark haired girl greeted

"May l speak to you, Miss McGee?" The honey Blond asked

"Yes what about?" Miss McGee asked

"I'm a little worried" the girl said "I've missed my last two periods." Picard's eyes widened and he quickly pulled Beverly back to the beam out point Miss McGee didn't seem to notice

"That's all right dear." She said "You can make them up after school." Moments later her eyes widened

"_Where does the pollen go?"_

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Le fin

A/N Yes I know it's not Shakespeare, but I had a bit of writers block for my other story and this came to mind so it's here for a laugh and not to be taken seriously the song is from Grease 2 – Reproduction. I do not own any of the characters it's here for your enjoyment and let me know what you think


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